can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
