party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
