And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
