Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
