dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
