Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
