i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
