her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
