i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
