There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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