dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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