dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
