I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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