Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
