Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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