yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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