they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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