i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
