Just fell off a train. Bad.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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