At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
