I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
FUCK WHALES
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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