You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
