well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
