Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
