saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
