doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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