3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
