Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
