for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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