Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
