I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
