I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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