Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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