I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
