I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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