i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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