Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
