Sorry, I don't speak sober.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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