its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
