I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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