I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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