I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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