I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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