don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
