I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
