had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
