I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
