I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
