So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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