It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
